Suicide

In reaction to http://jeanienefrost.com/2013/10/teen-suicide/ and http://mattfraction.com/post/63999786236/sorry-to-put-this-on-you-but-i-have-an-honest-question

It's time we stop hiding this. It's time people start being open about it. Because whatever drives you towards suicide is no weakness. It is not laziness. And it is definitely not your fault.

Every time I read these stories my eyes tear up. Because I know. Like so many others, I know and I've lived in that moment. I may not have actively tried to kill myself, but I can't count the evenings I wished I just wouldn't wake up in the morning. And my life wasn't even that bad. I have a loving family and the best parents you could wish for. I had and still have the best best friend. They all were there for me when I needed them. But I didn't know how to ask for their help. There was nothing any one of them could have done. Cause there was not that much wrong with my life. There was something wrong with my body.

Yes there were and will be bullies who prey on your weaknesses. And even if that weakness is well hidden (I once got the remark that I was always smiling, at a point in my life I didn't feel I had anything to smile about), they will find it if it is there. And they will use it, and they will hurt you. But puberty is the part of your life where everyone wants to be cool. And while it doesn't help now, think about how sad it is if you can only feel good by making some else feel down. You should feel good about yourself because you're a good person. Because you do the best you can. Not because you're better than someone else. In hindsight, I am far more hurt by my friends. The people who didn't stand up for me when I needed it. The people who didn't want to be seen with me. The people who tried to hide that they actually liked me. The people who left me standing there on my own. Those are the people who could have made a difference. Those are the people who I needed to make a difference.

There is something wrong with loads of bodies, lots of people have a disability. Even more people have chronic illnesses. It is estimated that in the Netherlands, 800.000 people have diabetes. About 650.000 people are depressed. I have mentioned the example of diabetes to many people before to explain what's wrong with people who are depressed, because it is such a perfect example. Diabetes has many vague symptoms and it's not always directly clear what is wrong. It can initially seem like something completely different. So does a depression. A person with diabetes is not able to regulate their insulin production. A person with a depression cannot regulate their serotonin production. Diabetes however can be shown using a blood test, or even in your urine. Serotonin is made in your brain, and it will have it's effect there. It is incredibly difficult to determine serotonin levels in living people. There is no simple test. It is solely based on the opinion of someone else. And yes, there are trained for it. But they can only base their opinion on the information you are giving them. That is why YOU need to make the decision you want to change your life. You don't have to feel bad. But just like you need to go to your physician if you have symptoms of diabetes, you need to tell someone you don't feel good. The end result if you don't is the same if you ignore you diabetes, you die.

If you have diabetes, nobody will propose you stop injecting insulin. Nobody will ask you why you take your meds and if you really need them. And nobody will object to you against getting pregnant. I need my medication to be in an optimal condition. If I want a baby, I want to be in an optimal condition. I will not stop my medication because it may have an effect on a unborn baby. While everyone objects to using medication during a pregnancy, there is barely any evidence that anti-depressants have a negative effect on your baby. Recently the Dutch Psychiatrists set up a new guideline for the use of anti-depressants during pregnancy. They recommend not to stop your treatment. There is only one substance that has shown negative effects and the use of others have no clear effects. Stress on the other hand has severe effects on the unborn baby. So stopping my meds to induce loads of stress? I don't think so. But I have to defend that choice time after time after time. And I am taking all the necessary precautions I can. I have had extensive therapy to be in my best condition, so my meds can be at the lowest concentration possible. I have been on a stable concentration for as long as possible, to make sure my body is used to it and I will be able to distinguish the effect of meds from hormones. I will have a psychiatrist handy, so if somehow something doesn't feel right anyway, I can have help asap. And the best thing, I have the most stable, supporting boyfriend you can imagine. One who doesn't understand what I am feeling, but who supports and comforts me unconditionally. And if we are lucky enough to have children someday, I know he will be there just as much for our kids as he has been for me.

It is not easy living with mental issues. It's not enough that your body doesn't function properly, you have to be afraid to tell people about it too. Nobody can know. I don't understand why. I think people should be open about it. You wouldn't hide any other illnesses, would you? You want people to understand. I want them to know why there are days I'm not very happy. I want people to stop telling me to 'just not think like that'. My brain does not work the way it should. That doesn't make me less intelligent or dangerous. I just makes me think differently than most people. And just like no one else can just 'start thinking' differently, I cannot do that. People need to stop defining what is normal and what needs to be normal. There is no normal. And we need to be open about this, so people don't feel ashamed to ask for help. Especially teens need to know it is not a bad thing to ask for help. They need to know that to the desperation, the pain and the helplessness a solution can be found. Suicide doesn't end the pain and suffering. It merely finds a new target. Your family and friends. There is a better option. And yes, you need to ask for help. But there are plenty of people who will want to help. You need to be persistent. Because at this moment, not everyone will understand. We need to change that, but that may take some time. That doesn't mean you're not worth saving. It means you will have to take that extra step.

But don't think you're alone. Nobody feels exactly the way you do, but there are people who understand you. People who know because they have been through the same situations. Who came out on the other side of the long, dark tunnel and know you shouldn't give up. But you don't have to feel this way. And suicide is not the only option you have left.

Competition

Recently a lot of attention has gone to the manipulation of research data and publication. While I strongly oppose to false data, I do understand why some researchers feel the need to do so.

The minute you receive your PhD, and start working as a post-doc, you are more or less expected to apply for your own grants. Which is actually a lot of fun, you get to share your ideas with other people and you are able to push your research to a direction that you are absolutely fascinated by. For me, it would imply you can actually do what you love and have complete faith in. In contrast to a funded position (as is the case with most PhD studentships) it is YOUR hypothesis, not one that someone had to explain to you. Working on your ideas always motivates me way more than any other brilliant idea someone may have.

Unfortunately, applying for (and obtaining) a grant is not as easy as it sounds. It takes a lot of time, but also a big portion of luck. Whether or not you have nice results from your experiments is not just depending on your skills as a researcher. Yes, you have to have those skills, without them you would be lost. But even with them, you can be completely lost. And you need those results to even get close to obtaining a grant. Recent calculations have shown that the time spend on obtaining a grant actually costs the research institute more than the grant is worth. If grants would be divided amongst institutes, and researchers would no longer have to spend time on writing proposals, research would advance a lot faster than when selecting the best (via grants) to do research. And it would actually be cheaper!

Unfortunately, even aware of those statistics, the scientific world does not work this way. People prefer a way to select and reward the best of the best, even though their time is wasted. Not only wasted time is a problem, it also leads to an extreme competition between researchers. And competition leads to avoiding co-operations. Researchers are suspicious of other researchers, prefer not to share their results and techniques. Just to be sure that they are the ones who get the credit if thing go better than just right. Because that credit will increases your chances on obtaining a grant.

In the end, we are holding the scientific community and developments back by grants. You cannot be an expert in everything, you need each other. We need each other. We need to work together and expand co-operations. But it doesn't help if you are competing against your colleagues at the same time.

I know that competition can also make people do their very best, that's why it's encouraged. But at this moment, it is going too far. It's not encouraging people to do their best, it's making people cheat. And the best cheater wins...

I always loved doing research. But I don't like the atmosphere. I don't like the researchers attitude. I'm hoping for a better world. A world in which we can work together, instead of working against each other and screwing each other over. Not for science, but for personal gain. I'm hoping for a world in which scientists do research to make the world a better place, to help all people, not just to help themselves. I'm hoping for a world in which we can put our differences aside or actually profit from them. I'm hoping for a world with honest, devoted scientists.